just a word;

i don't know what i'm doing lately..

if love is just a concept;

then tears are just the rain.

if love is just a word;

then all my words are vain.

also, i'm so sick of school.

we'll be a dream;

this is going to be an about me kind of deal..

okayy, so...in real life, i'm a big nerd. i could easily get straight a's in school if i wanted. but i never really wanted to because i guess it's "not cool". whatever. anyway, i know how to put together a computer from scratch, and could fix yours no matter what i you did to it. and i mean it. i know what this means, and could "hack" just about anything i own. i like to play pokemon. yellow, and sometimes sapphire. i could go on and on..

but i won't. so, i want to find somebody i can be myself around. i'm constantly trying to be someone i'm not. and it bugs the shit out of me, honestly. oh, and i've decided i'm not going to swear any more. that was the last time. anyway, if i ever find someone, you'll know, cause i'll be around them probably allll the time. from now on, i'm paul. not who somebody wants me to be. 'cause that's dumb.

i wish i was in 8th grade again. it was honestly one of the best years of my life. i didn't care about anything. everything was simple, and just worked. now there's all this bull honkey that screws everything up. i can't stand growing up, everyone says it's the best part of your life..but mine's a mess. hm..i just had to get that out.

woah, back to about me. the simple things mean the most to me. just like, little things that nobody would think are big deals. to me, they are. like when somebody smiles when they talk to me. or if they come up to me and start a conversation. or even just saying hi when they see me. ha, if somebody came up to me, said "hi", and were smiling while they said it, then started a real conversation, it would make my whole day. maybe even my week.

something else about me..joana, is my bestttt friend. favorite favorite best friend if you want to get technical. she's awesome. she forced me to do footloose, and i'm so glad. literally, she dragged me into the auditorium and made me sit next to her. thennnn! i was willard. willard hewitt. and honestly, i didn't think i could do it. i didn't think i could one bit. i'm the most shy person you will everr meet. but she wouldn't let me give up. i'm pretty sure she's the only shoulder i've ever cried on too. and if you've never cried on somebodies shoulder, it's one of the best feelings in the world. i love her.

i keep getting off subject..back to mee. i love music. if i could, i would sit in my basement and play guitar all day long. and sing loud while i do it. 'cause nobody can hear me down here. it's awesome. oh, on the subject of music, but still staying about me..i think music these days sucks. none of it actually has any meaning to the person that wrote it. and half of the people that record music can't actually sing in real life. i could go on forever about this..but i'll leave it at that.

that's pretty much all i'm willing to share about me. if you really want to know me though, spend some time with me. but know i have trust issues. i'm not an open book, so don't expect to know everything about me in a month. or even a year. actually, i've been extremely close to somebody for about five years now, and that person still hardly knows much about me.

basically, i'm just an average kid, looking for more than the average kid is looking for.

i need to clean my basement..

we were just kids in love;

i need to figure things out.

i have no idea where i'm going in life. and i guess that's okay. yeah..okay if i plan on living with my parents the rest of my life. gross. that's definitely not going to happen. well..at least i hope not. i just need to figure out life and i'll be all set. but that's neverr going to happen. remember when i said i was going to figure out a plan? i didn't. i just played pokemon. i'm going to turn into a pokemon..

but that's besides the point. i'm going to start being healthy. like eating good food instead of junk. oh, and no more pop. i have a least 88 ounces of pop a day. every week day. that's really bad.. and poptarts. they're my favoritee. no more of those. on the plus side, i haven't had any fast food since likee, wednesday. and that's reallyy good considering i used to eat it everyy day for lunch. i'm an unhealthy person..

oh! i also decided i'm not going to wash my hair for this week. since it's like spring break week, and there's only four days. sounds good to me anyway..

i want to start playing my ukulele a lott. hm..i think it needs a name.. lele sounds good. scratch that, i want to start playing my lele a lott. all my guitars are at my church. well..except one, and a string is broke on that one. bad news bears. anyway, i need to expand musically. so later i think i'm going to start playing piano all the time again. i really want my keyboard back from my church so i don't have to use one of the pianos upstairs. my parents can hear that ya know..

geezz..i'm running out of things to blog about. maybe if i just don't blog for a reallyy long time, then things will just start to come to me. i think that's a wonderful idea. on thatt note, this is the last blog i'll be doing for some time. so enjoy it a wholee lot. thanks.

have you ever heard of boxcar racer? look 'em up.

this is me trying to live my life;

"When I was little, my mom told me happiness was the key to life.

When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I wrote down "happy".

They told me I didn't understand the assignment.

I told them they didn't understand life."

Think about that for a little bit.

take one breath;

i'm stuck.

have you ever done something, then thought about it and realized it probably wasn't too good of idea? that was a stupid question..of course you have. sometimes i just feel like i'm all alone. and it's stupid for me to think that, because there are so many people that are willing to listen. you know, maybe it'll work out, but maybe it won't. and maybe things will get back to how they were, but maybe they won't. and maybe, just maybe, everybody can get along; but probably not. hm.

on a different note; with the play being over, i really don't know what i'm going to do. i guess i'll just be chillin' at home a lot. in the basement. maynn, that's boring. i'm going to miss people so much. damn..i hate getting close to people. but i decided that i absolutely love it when my voice cracks cracks on stage. i mean, most people would think it's embarrassing, but i think it's awesome. especially while i'm singing. hah. i don't know..it just makes me think a lot more about what i'm doing. and that seems weird. it's hard to explain i guess.

i feel like my other blog made it seem like i'm not a christian..don't get me wrong, i am. i just don't see a point in church. i mean, it's not bad..it's just not for me i guess. i feel like people are going to take that wrong..but i don't really care. i'm not in the mood to type a big paragraph about religion, so i'll end it here.

lately, i've been listening to a lot of live music. live acoustic music. and i really really like it. it's like that's how the artist really feels. like it's where the song all started. plus there's usually so much more emotion. and i believe songs aren't songs without emotion. if that makes any sense. but i hate it when bands start out acoustic, then add drums and electric guitars, and all this fancy jazz to try to fit in. they should just stay unique.

oh, also..i've been thinking a lot lately. thinking about how i need a plan. and how i just can't go through life without any direction. so today is going to be spent thinking of a goal, or something like that.. hm. i'll let you know how that goes.

i didn't go to church today.

there's really only one thing we can do;

play week..

this is going to be short. 'cause i need sleep, or something..

i'm freakin' out a little bit. or..maybe a whole lot (i really need to take off this make up, by the way). but i already decided (here comes my self encouragement paragraph..be ready), no matter what the circumstances, i'm going to be huge. people are going to laugh at me. people are going to think i'm the greatest. but, for people to think that, i'm going to have to change a lot of what i do. it's going to be twenty million times better that what it has been. i promise you, joana.

woah, speaking of freaking out. i about did today. but not because of the play. because of other reasons. i don't know what the heck is going on, and i hate it. i just want to run away, just to breathe a little. also, it's time for a change. a big one. i don't know how i'm going to do it, but it's going to happen. i feel like it needs to in order for me to get out of this state i'm in.

and then there's school. it stresses me out worse than anything. i just need to step it up. i used to be an all A student, but i don't know what happened to that. i just kind of stopped caring. that comes to an end now. well..after i skip first block tomorrow, that is..

i haven't played pokemon in so long.

lets keep this dream alive;

woah, life's awkward.

i don't really know what this blog is going to be about yet, but it's going to be almost cool. hopefully. anyway, just so everything is clear ahead of time, i love meg & dia. they're a girl band, but they're awesome. if i was a girl, i would want to be just like dia. she writes cool blogs about ice cream. hm. i don't really like ice cream..but that's besides the point. meg & dia are the coolest people i don't know ever. hah..

also, i'm about sick of youth group. i went tonight like i always do, and wasn't really expecting much. because well..lately it just hasn't been much fun. but it fell way short of my expectations. but not because you may think. i just want to smack larry, and all the other kids pretty much. they just don't shut up. all i want to do is hang out. but noo, freaking kids sit there and yell the whole time. i hate it. i doubt i'll go again. unless my parents make me..

just like they make me go to church! they want me to be this huge Jesus kid. but that's just not me. i mean, i believe in him and everything. i just don't know how to explain it. it's like, Jesus is cool and all, but there isn't a point in church. honestly, i think i've grown closer to him every time i've skipped church.

enough of that..i'm starting to get angry (hah..angry paul..). i need to think of something happy. uhmm..some people just make me happy i guess. i don't knoww. i'm just not a typically happy person. i feed off of other peoples happiness. that's probably not a good thing. but that's how i work. i also feed off of the kind of music that's on. like, a realll happy song could be playing, and i would be all happy. then as soon as a sad one comes on, sad paul.

i think i'm bipolar. my mood changes all the time, and i don't know why. maybe it's because half the time i'm only fake happy. that's bad.. i should change that. i really hope this year gets good fast. don't get the wrong impression though. i have plentlyy of reasons to be happy. i could name all the people that make me happy, but that would just be weird. 'cause if they read this blog.. it would just be weird. i don't know.

oh! i think i'm going to start doing live recordings of covers. like, through a mic. then put them up on myspace. that'd be cool, right? i want to do a cover of unwell by matchbox twenty. or my girl. or something cooler. something by the beatles maybe. i love them. maybe something by the spill canvas. they're definitely one of my favorite bands ever. only the acoustic stuff though.. or! maybe something by mayday parade. i like them too. i don't know. i'll figure it out later. stayyy tuned.

i've always wanted to say that. like, on tv though. it'd be awesome. but i'm thinking the closest i'll ever get to that is on a blog. that's sad.

enough of that bull honkey. that was a pointless post.

end.