moving!

welll, i'm moving from here to tumblr. so if you actually ever read this, go to the link at the end of this post, click it, and follow me. it'll be fun. i promiss. 

http://lilpnoman.tumblr.com/

oh. also, there is a link there to here if you ever want to come and read any of my old blogs. 

i hope you are all living your life and not caring what other people think. ;)

it's been a long time;

i've been playing a lot of halo lately.

you can call me now straight from me blog! it's pretty darn awesome, so i think you should try it sometime.

thats all.

sweet deal.

i don't have a title.

happy 4th of july? yeah..

soo..this could either be an optimistic blog, or a pessimistic one. i haven't really decided yet. i mostly like to be optimistic, but i'm in a pretty bad mood right now. don't ask me why. maybe it's just 'cause summer is a bummer. in my eyes anyway. i can't stand it. there's absolutely nothing to do. also, i've recently discovered i have no friends. which is alright with me, i don't really need fake friends. one or two awesome friends is greatt with me. so i guess i'm set, right? yeah.. i just need to get out of here. so while i was thinking about that, i decided that i'm going to have some of this happy, and some of it sad. so you get the best of both worlds. but you could probably go without the pessimistic world. i guess that's too bad for you though. i have to have some way to get stuff off my chest.

lets start off with the happy. then the middle will be a little bit more sad, and i'll end on a happy note. sweet. i've spent the last two days at my grandpa and grandma's house. and if there's one thing i've decided, it's that i want to be just like my grandpa when i get old. he's the nicest, most interesting guy i know. and never runs out of things to talk about. even when he's the way he is. i love him. and i don't love very many people. i don't hug my in-laws, i figure they have to earn it. and i don't think they have. brenna calls me a jerk 'cause of things like that. but in my head it just makes sense. it's just nobody ever takes the time to listen.

on the same subject of family..i feel like i don't fit in with any of them. they all like sports. and me? i like music. and art. ya know, those kind of things. even though i guess i'm very naturally gifted with sport things (i know, i know), at least that's what the rest of my family says. and they all push me to do sports. one of these days i'm just going to explode. hopefully i don't, but i can just tell it's going to happen. and on the note of nobody listening, from the last part, i wish people did. i want to be heard. i want to be noticed. but most of all, i want to make a difference. and how am i supposed to do that when nobody ever listens? someday, i'll find a way to force people to notice. i will make a difference.

i don't know how to end this happily. have you ever watched meet the robinsons? greattt movie. i highly recommend you watch it. maybe that's what i need. too bad i don't have it, and i deleted it. this is sad. ahh! happy ending; almost forgot. i'll download it again and i'll be happy. you should go watch it too. ;).

i miss you.

he melts whenever she speaks;

i went for the longest walk today.

every time i look into her eyes;

i see a little bit more sunshine.

feel a little bit more like me;

instead of who i turned out to be.

wouldn't trade it for the world.

that's all.

my heart is with you;

i couldn't sleep until 6 this morning.

i decided to go for a drive today. i don't have my license, but i was home alone and had nothing to do. so i drove around my country block. as i was driving i looked around at the fields, and in one of the fields, just one tree was standing. just a single tree in the middle of a whole entire field. and i couldn't figure out why when the farmers decided to cut down the whole wooded area, they decided to keep that one tree there.

when i got home i started thinking about why farmers would even cut down that whole "forest" just for a field. i mean, i understand food is important, and so is making a living if you're that farmer, but i'm pretty sure air is more important. there's plenty of room in other places for farmland where you wouldn't even have to cut down all those trees (except one).

and then, i started thinking about cars and technology. don't get me wrong, i love all kinds of technology. but things like cars, and expressways, and all these things that don't have a real purpose except for polluting, i don't love. people can live without cars, trust me, they did it for thousands of years. and without cars, no expressways to cut through the land. next time your going through a rural area, look around. it's beautiful. and us, as people, are destroying it. just because we want things now.

but then i started thinking about that tree again. suppose it grew out of the ground after the farmers plowed the field. maybe it was trying to make a stand; trying to tell the farmers they were ruining the way things are supposed to be. maybe it was trying to get people to realize the way they're living is wrong, and that they're headed in the complete opposite direction that they should be.

or maybe, it was just trying to be different. and if that's the case, i look up to that tree. i respect anyone or anything that dares to be different in this world. this scary world.

i pray that someday i have the guts to be just like that tree. different.

..or maybe it was just trying to be a tree.

i'm not like them;

i need a break.

this is going to be a just because blog. just because somebody i don't think i've ever talked to told me that they liked my blog. it made my day. and i just wanted to share. i'm glad this is giving enjoyment to more than two people. i think i've said it before, but all i really want to do is make a difference. so you could go look back if you wanna know more about that topic.

so..it's summer, and i haven't done anything. nothing. is it a bad thing? not onee bit. summer is just what i needed. almost. i just feel disconnected from everybody. and i really hate it. lately i've been thinking about all the people that i've lost contact with, and i want to say sorry. i doubt any of them will read this, but i just get caught up in things. sorry. i wish things didn't end up the way they are.

i feel like i need a topic to write about. but i really can't think of anything relevant right now. so i'm going to post this, just because. and i hope everybody reading this has an awesome day. i love you all.

i cleaned all day today.

my world is spinning;

i need to stop trying to be grown up, and live.

join me?

love is all we need;

i feel like a load of bull honkey.

have you ever stopped and thought about asking the person your talking to how they were? it's probably one of the easiest things to do, but nobody ever does it. don't ask me why. but anyway, even though it's almost the simplest phrase to say to anyone, it's one of the most meaningful. just think about it.. when somebody stops and asks, "how are you?" or even, "what's wrong?" it's not only polite..but it shows how much the person cares. and honestly, i think caring is one of the biggest problems these days. nobody seems to care about anybody but themselves. and i'm not saying it's a bad thing to care about yourself, i'm just saying you should put yourself last in everything you do. and always think about how the other person is. and, i'm also not saying i'm awesome at doing that, because i'm terrible at it. all i'm saying is, the world would be so much better if people actually cared. about everyone. so next time your having a conversation, stop and ask how the person is doing. we can work on it together.

another thing.. love. it kind of goes hand and hand with caring. if you love somebody, you obviously care about them. but that's another problem with this world. there's so much hate. and when i say love, i don't mean like..husband and wife kind of love. i mean just going out of your way to help someone out. or, not talking about people behind their backs. or even, asking how somebody is doing lately. sounds kind of like my caring paragraph. i don't really know where i'm going with this. i just want people to realize you absolutely need to love and care for people, or you are not going to get anywhere in your life. even the super annoying people, love them. and the dirty nasty people, love them. love everybody.

everybody needs to know that somebody is there for them. be that person.

God is love, and love is caring. Therefor, God is caring.

i guess that's what i've been trying to say this whole time..

i wanna be home.

i promise the stars;

oh, geezz.

wanna know a secret? i don't want to be a leader. plus, in no way am i qualified. i'm not outgoing, people generally don't listen to me, i don't generally listen to people too well, and people should nott look up to me. even though they do..don't ask me why. with all that said, i don't get why everybody wants me to be one so bad. everywhere i turn, people act as if i'm supposed to be this perfect example. news for the day, i should nott be an example to anyone. that's just my two cents on the situation. plus! know what..nevermind. you get it.

another secret? okay. i kind of forgot about this whole blogging deal. i've just been a busy guy lately. i can't help it. and i think that because i haven't been blogging, all my feelings are just staying inside. which, consequently, leads to me acting different. and not just around my friends, but around my family too. it's a bad cycle. so, blogging = happiness. at least to me..

lately, i've been thinking about how the only person i think about is myself. and that i want to help people with whatever i do. but, i got offered to go on a three month tour, playing music. and i said no. don't ask me why. i just felt like it wasn't what i was supposed to do. but now, i'm thinking it was a bad idea to turn them down. that could of been my onlyy chance to do something with my life. and ultimately, helping people. that's all i really want to do.

help people.

i feel like i'm growing up too fast. i'm only 15. i have all of high school to figure myself out.

and on that note..i'm going to end this short blog. i just had to get some stuff off of my chest.

wanna know a secret?

just a word;

i don't know what i'm doing lately..

if love is just a concept;

then tears are just the rain.

if love is just a word;

then all my words are vain.

also, i'm so sick of school.

we'll be a dream;

this is going to be an about me kind of deal..

okayy, so...in real life, i'm a big nerd. i could easily get straight a's in school if i wanted. but i never really wanted to because i guess it's "not cool". whatever. anyway, i know how to put together a computer from scratch, and could fix yours no matter what i you did to it. and i mean it. i know what this means, and could "hack" just about anything i own. i like to play pokemon. yellow, and sometimes sapphire. i could go on and on..

but i won't. so, i want to find somebody i can be myself around. i'm constantly trying to be someone i'm not. and it bugs the shit out of me, honestly. oh, and i've decided i'm not going to swear any more. that was the last time. anyway, if i ever find someone, you'll know, cause i'll be around them probably allll the time. from now on, i'm paul. not who somebody wants me to be. 'cause that's dumb.

i wish i was in 8th grade again. it was honestly one of the best years of my life. i didn't care about anything. everything was simple, and just worked. now there's all this bull honkey that screws everything up. i can't stand growing up, everyone says it's the best part of your life..but mine's a mess. hm..i just had to get that out.

woah, back to about me. the simple things mean the most to me. just like, little things that nobody would think are big deals. to me, they are. like when somebody smiles when they talk to me. or if they come up to me and start a conversation. or even just saying hi when they see me. ha, if somebody came up to me, said "hi", and were smiling while they said it, then started a real conversation, it would make my whole day. maybe even my week.

something else about me..joana, is my bestttt friend. favorite favorite best friend if you want to get technical. she's awesome. she forced me to do footloose, and i'm so glad. literally, she dragged me into the auditorium and made me sit next to her. thennnn! i was willard. willard hewitt. and honestly, i didn't think i could do it. i didn't think i could one bit. i'm the most shy person you will everr meet. but she wouldn't let me give up. i'm pretty sure she's the only shoulder i've ever cried on too. and if you've never cried on somebodies shoulder, it's one of the best feelings in the world. i love her.

i keep getting off subject..back to mee. i love music. if i could, i would sit in my basement and play guitar all day long. and sing loud while i do it. 'cause nobody can hear me down here. it's awesome. oh, on the subject of music, but still staying about me..i think music these days sucks. none of it actually has any meaning to the person that wrote it. and half of the people that record music can't actually sing in real life. i could go on forever about this..but i'll leave it at that.

that's pretty much all i'm willing to share about me. if you really want to know me though, spend some time with me. but know i have trust issues. i'm not an open book, so don't expect to know everything about me in a month. or even a year. actually, i've been extremely close to somebody for about five years now, and that person still hardly knows much about me.

basically, i'm just an average kid, looking for more than the average kid is looking for.

i need to clean my basement..

we were just kids in love;

i need to figure things out.

i have no idea where i'm going in life. and i guess that's okay. yeah..okay if i plan on living with my parents the rest of my life. gross. that's definitely not going to happen. well..at least i hope not. i just need to figure out life and i'll be all set. but that's neverr going to happen. remember when i said i was going to figure out a plan? i didn't. i just played pokemon. i'm going to turn into a pokemon..

but that's besides the point. i'm going to start being healthy. like eating good food instead of junk. oh, and no more pop. i have a least 88 ounces of pop a day. every week day. that's really bad.. and poptarts. they're my favoritee. no more of those. on the plus side, i haven't had any fast food since likee, wednesday. and that's reallyy good considering i used to eat it everyy day for lunch. i'm an unhealthy person..

oh! i also decided i'm not going to wash my hair for this week. since it's like spring break week, and there's only four days. sounds good to me anyway..

i want to start playing my ukulele a lott. hm..i think it needs a name.. lele sounds good. scratch that, i want to start playing my lele a lott. all my guitars are at my church. well..except one, and a string is broke on that one. bad news bears. anyway, i need to expand musically. so later i think i'm going to start playing piano all the time again. i really want my keyboard back from my church so i don't have to use one of the pianos upstairs. my parents can hear that ya know..

geezz..i'm running out of things to blog about. maybe if i just don't blog for a reallyy long time, then things will just start to come to me. i think that's a wonderful idea. on thatt note, this is the last blog i'll be doing for some time. so enjoy it a wholee lot. thanks.

have you ever heard of boxcar racer? look 'em up.

this is me trying to live my life;

"When I was little, my mom told me happiness was the key to life.

When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I wrote down "happy".

They told me I didn't understand the assignment.

I told them they didn't understand life."

Think about that for a little bit.

take one breath;

i'm stuck.

have you ever done something, then thought about it and realized it probably wasn't too good of idea? that was a stupid question..of course you have. sometimes i just feel like i'm all alone. and it's stupid for me to think that, because there are so many people that are willing to listen. you know, maybe it'll work out, but maybe it won't. and maybe things will get back to how they were, but maybe they won't. and maybe, just maybe, everybody can get along; but probably not. hm.

on a different note; with the play being over, i really don't know what i'm going to do. i guess i'll just be chillin' at home a lot. in the basement. maynn, that's boring. i'm going to miss people so much. damn..i hate getting close to people. but i decided that i absolutely love it when my voice cracks cracks on stage. i mean, most people would think it's embarrassing, but i think it's awesome. especially while i'm singing. hah. i don't know..it just makes me think a lot more about what i'm doing. and that seems weird. it's hard to explain i guess.

i feel like my other blog made it seem like i'm not a christian..don't get me wrong, i am. i just don't see a point in church. i mean, it's not bad..it's just not for me i guess. i feel like people are going to take that wrong..but i don't really care. i'm not in the mood to type a big paragraph about religion, so i'll end it here.

lately, i've been listening to a lot of live music. live acoustic music. and i really really like it. it's like that's how the artist really feels. like it's where the song all started. plus there's usually so much more emotion. and i believe songs aren't songs without emotion. if that makes any sense. but i hate it when bands start out acoustic, then add drums and electric guitars, and all this fancy jazz to try to fit in. they should just stay unique.

oh, also..i've been thinking a lot lately. thinking about how i need a plan. and how i just can't go through life without any direction. so today is going to be spent thinking of a goal, or something like that.. hm. i'll let you know how that goes.

i didn't go to church today.

there's really only one thing we can do;

play week..

this is going to be short. 'cause i need sleep, or something..

i'm freakin' out a little bit. or..maybe a whole lot (i really need to take off this make up, by the way). but i already decided (here comes my self encouragement paragraph..be ready), no matter what the circumstances, i'm going to be huge. people are going to laugh at me. people are going to think i'm the greatest. but, for people to think that, i'm going to have to change a lot of what i do. it's going to be twenty million times better that what it has been. i promise you, joana.

woah, speaking of freaking out. i about did today. but not because of the play. because of other reasons. i don't know what the heck is going on, and i hate it. i just want to run away, just to breathe a little. also, it's time for a change. a big one. i don't know how i'm going to do it, but it's going to happen. i feel like it needs to in order for me to get out of this state i'm in.

and then there's school. it stresses me out worse than anything. i just need to step it up. i used to be an all A student, but i don't know what happened to that. i just kind of stopped caring. that comes to an end now. well..after i skip first block tomorrow, that is..

i haven't played pokemon in so long.

lets keep this dream alive;

woah, life's awkward.

i don't really know what this blog is going to be about yet, but it's going to be almost cool. hopefully. anyway, just so everything is clear ahead of time, i love meg & dia. they're a girl band, but they're awesome. if i was a girl, i would want to be just like dia. she writes cool blogs about ice cream. hm. i don't really like ice cream..but that's besides the point. meg & dia are the coolest people i don't know ever. hah..

also, i'm about sick of youth group. i went tonight like i always do, and wasn't really expecting much. because well..lately it just hasn't been much fun. but it fell way short of my expectations. but not because you may think. i just want to smack larry, and all the other kids pretty much. they just don't shut up. all i want to do is hang out. but noo, freaking kids sit there and yell the whole time. i hate it. i doubt i'll go again. unless my parents make me..

just like they make me go to church! they want me to be this huge Jesus kid. but that's just not me. i mean, i believe in him and everything. i just don't know how to explain it. it's like, Jesus is cool and all, but there isn't a point in church. honestly, i think i've grown closer to him every time i've skipped church.

enough of that..i'm starting to get angry (hah..angry paul..). i need to think of something happy. uhmm..some people just make me happy i guess. i don't knoww. i'm just not a typically happy person. i feed off of other peoples happiness. that's probably not a good thing. but that's how i work. i also feed off of the kind of music that's on. like, a realll happy song could be playing, and i would be all happy. then as soon as a sad one comes on, sad paul.

i think i'm bipolar. my mood changes all the time, and i don't know why. maybe it's because half the time i'm only fake happy. that's bad.. i should change that. i really hope this year gets good fast. don't get the wrong impression though. i have plentlyy of reasons to be happy. i could name all the people that make me happy, but that would just be weird. 'cause if they read this blog.. it would just be weird. i don't know.

oh! i think i'm going to start doing live recordings of covers. like, through a mic. then put them up on myspace. that'd be cool, right? i want to do a cover of unwell by matchbox twenty. or my girl. or something cooler. something by the beatles maybe. i love them. maybe something by the spill canvas. they're definitely one of my favorite bands ever. only the acoustic stuff though.. or! maybe something by mayday parade. i like them too. i don't know. i'll figure it out later. stayyy tuned.

i've always wanted to say that. like, on tv though. it'd be awesome. but i'm thinking the closest i'll ever get to that is on a blog. that's sad.

enough of that bull honkey. that was a pointless post.

end.

our flaws dissolve in love;

lately, i've been thinking a lot about love. what it is, why it happens, and what makes two people love each other. and i really haven't been able to come up with much. but what i have been able to come up with has helped ease my mind for the past few months. somewhat.

so..i believe two people fall in love for a reason. there has to be some kind of connection. and not a physical one, an emotional one. and i think people build this connection by spending time together, learning about each other, and most importantly, learning to trust each other. but i don't think you can just spend time with someone, learn about them, and trust them and expect to be in love. something else has to happen. i don't know how to explain it, or exactly what it is for that matter. but something happens. something you can't control.

then i believe the only way two people fall out of love is by choice. once two people love each other, and i mean real love, not lust, they don't just stop. they have to make a conscious decision to stop loving the other person. and i know that this sounds flawed. because..it is. and this is where i contradict myself..but i think two people are just meant for each other. but, if two people are meant for each other, then they decide to "fall out of love", what happens? i thinkk they go marry somebody else. and that's how divorces happen. but..i don't really know. i'll think about that more later.

anyway, somewhat related to falling out of love, i think two people stay in love by choice. there is noo way two people can stay in a relationship with out some kind of work. and stay happy that is. actually, just recently i decided that. about a week ago, i thought that when two people were meant for each other, things just work. but they don't. i don't really know how to explain any of that either..but it's true. two people can't just be together, and expect everything to work. arguments have to happen. and sometimes, you even have to break up. even if it's just for a little bit..breaks help people realize how much they actually need each other.

and finally, if you're wondering how any of this fits into my life..it just does. don't ask. thanks.

wow..

that was deep..

i hope you understood it though.

i had to throw it together fast 'cause i was going to forget about it if i didn't.

leave me a comment.

i'd love it.

sweet dealll

i think instead of myspace blogging..i'm just going to start doing this.

just 'cause it makes me feel reallyy cool.

so i think i'm going to put up one of my other blogs from myspace up, just to get started.

then i'll start blogging like, once a week?

maybe. i don't know.

we'll just see.